“We thought the unwashed masses would kill each other for the chance to give us all their money for something intangible and entirely devoid of value, but it appears they are even poorer than we thought they were.”

You do not have to put up a cookie banner when you are only using technically required ones ornnone at all. Make a dedicated cookies page in your footer and have a table with every cookie, their name, their description and use as well as how long they last.

If you have none, put that info on that page. All you need to do.